What does all this really mean? What is life trying to teach me? Its been the hardest 3 months of my life and am still counting...Everyday has been a wait, starting with hope and crashing with despair. I am waiting to hear from the university I applied to for the masters program in Belgium. My plan to pursue masters has been around for a couple of years now. Last year I applied to some really competitive unis in the US and as I should have expected, I did not make it through to any of them. A year since, in retrospect I think it was a good thing. But what about this year? I should have made it this year, no? Well I don't want to dismiss my chance without having heard from them. And the truth is, in my heart I believe i have made it. It is just a matter of time before I hear in the affirmative from them.
But this whole thing is silly. I have been consumed by the wait. I cannot think of anything else but this. It is controlling my whole being and I have no power over it. The irony is that I can see that it is really not such a big deal in the whole scheme of life. It is after all a college seat. If not this year then the next or another place. Things will pan out the way they are meant to be. Doesn't everything happen for a reason and for the good, even though I might not be able to see what good it could be to wait another year. How can I allow my life to be controlled by something like that? The problem however is that I know all the theory, but when it comes to applying it practically am falling flat on my face.
Anyway, I think there is a lesson in this for me. A lesson in patience and a test of strength of character during stressful times. Unfortunately, it seems I have failed miserably. Where is that strength that I thought I had. The courage to deal with set backs in life? Is this all am made of? 

Why?

I really wonder if all this is worth it… Far from home, loved ones, friends and familiarity, feeling lonely, frustrated and depressed, doing some mediocre work…..What is it worth? At 28, I didn’t exactly expect that my life would turnout like this. I had grander dreams for myself and my life…I should have finished my masters by now where as I still am struggling to get a seat in the college I want to go..And after all these years of work, how did I get into a situation where I have to compromise with the place I want to go study in? Life seemed so much simpler earlier. I somehow managed to get whatever I planned and wanted and in fact more than that. Didn’t have to wait for anything for too long. It’d come. But this time, the wait is breaking me. It’s been the longest three months of my life and still counting. Right now this whole thing is driving me crazy. I am more disappointed by the way am reacting to this whole situation than having to wait. I know am being unreasonable in my behavior. Is this all am made of? So brittle? Where is all my strength? I don’t believe that am faced with the most difficult or unfortunate situation in my life. If I can break so easily by situations like these, then how will I ever face bigger situations, dejection and circumstances in life? It seems that all my grace and dignity have left me. I guess it’s easier to imagine yourself to be a different person, reacting differently to situations, with all the strength, dignity, grace and everything else you fancy. But facing a real situation is different. It is a true test; one that am failing in miserably.

There surely is a purpose to this situation in my life. Otherwise why would it occur at all? May be it’s a lesson in patience that life is trying to teach me or may be a test of my strength of character? ‘Strength of Character’, sounds so hollow at present.

Whatever it is, one thing is for certain. It is time I jolted out of this self-sympathy trip and get a hold on myself. Snap out girl. A moment lost in brooding is a moment lost forever. It’s never going to come back. And all this for what? For something that is absolutely not in your control. There is nothing you can do about it but wait. But the one thing you surely can do is to wait with dignity. Life has a way of sorting itself out. God has a plan for you. Trust in that and get out and live life. The best you can. Because really there is no second chance.

.......

Birthdays, Anniversaries,
The coming of little ones
and those goodbyes too;
'Today you are young,
too soon you're old!'
Close your eyes
Its all a fleeting glimpse!
       ........................

The great advocate of following my heart….

What do I follow now?

 My heart is shattered in a million pieces

What do I pick, what do I lose?
Life caught up, I have to pay my dues...

The Beginings.

It was during my second monthly meeting of the BSGI (Bharat Soka Gakkai International) members in Bangalore in October that I actually hit upon the idea of starting a blog to record my journey through this Practice. I thought if I put down my thoughts and experiences about the Practice in a concrete way it would be a way of understanding it better and having that clarity of thought about what I wanted out of life, where I was heading, and what kind of a person I was turning out to be. Also a way of recording my growth (spiritual, emotional, material and whatever else) as a human being.

Having said that, let me start from the beginning. Rinkoo, my co-worker from Idiom had been practicing for almost 8 years when she first mentioned this Practice to me. At that time, I was going through a rather tough phase in life: problems in convincing my parents about Shreyas and me, our difficult financial situation, my own insecurities about several things in life. I needed something to hang on to, something to guide me, to show me the way. Rinkoo herself, had had several challenging situations in her life and I was deeply inspired by her fortitude and her attitude towards life. So when she spoke about the Practice, I was obviously curious. She told me to chant ‘Nam Myoho Renge Kyo’ everyday and that all difficulties would sort itself. That I did, chanting the dimoku 3 times everyday, without any rhythm, not knowing if I was doing it right and wondering what magical effects it would have on my life. I read up about the Practice on the internet and sometimes spoke with Rinkoo about it.

As she started to tell me more about the Practice, about the many members who in the face of adversity found the strength of character to fight back, about herself, I found myself being more and more interested in it. What attracted me was the fact that here was something that did not base itself on rituals that I could not comprehend, something that was all about finding happiness, about doing good to everyone and making the world a better to live. It was a simple philosophy. I was never as religious as I was spiritual. I always believed that the purpose of religion, no matter which one, was to teach one how to lead a righteous life. It is a path to find your own God. It is a means to an end and not the end itself. So here was something that talked about being responsible for your own actions and your destiny, being good and doing good, spreading happiness and cheer in the world and over that being able to find the strength to face challenges in life. I was instantly attracted to it.

Although I was interested, it took me several months to seriously start the Practice. After Rinkoo had introduced me to it, I chanted sporadically, all the while telling myself to start thinking and practicing it more seriously and diligently. Finally on Rinkoo’s insistence, I decided to go to a member’s house for chanting. That was my first experience and exposure to chanting the dimoku the correct way. I did not chant that day. I only listened and I can sure say that I felt the vibrations in the air. The sound of the chant did run through my body. I was formally introduced to the practice by Rohini whose house we went to and given a book to read about the Practice. Over the next days, I decided to chant regularly and this time in proper rhythm. I think that was when I decided to take up the Practice seriously and from then on I have been chanting regularly.